I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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