Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
