i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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