The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
