remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
