I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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