So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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