i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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