if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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