What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
