the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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