I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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