she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
