Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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