seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
