Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
