you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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