Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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