Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
