I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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