How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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