Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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