The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
