I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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