Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
