I think I died a long time ago.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
