hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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