I think i peed on brittanys purse
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
