I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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