On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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