And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
