Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
