I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
