If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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