I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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