a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
