Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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