I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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