how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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