The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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