my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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