You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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