This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
