So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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