i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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