I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
