Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
