Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
