i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
