I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just google imaged poop.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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