good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
